week 3: the recap
Guys. What is happening in the NFL. Last week was the week of injuries … this week brought not only more injuries, but a slew of top performers who no one knows.
Now, as this recap figures out exactly what its doing - we’re going to try out a few things and see what sticks. What was requested last week that we’re going to lean into was power rankings for BroNation. I’m always happy to give the hardworking men of BroNation as many shoutouts as they deserve.
BroNation Top 10
1. Alvin Kamara | Besides his performance sky rocketing him to the top of this list, more importantly I realized that Kamara never wears a mouthguard. That or he’s so speedy he always has it out of view by the time the camera comes around so he can flash his new grills. I was here for the old ones … but these new diamond encrusted ones are something of a top power ranking player. He pretended to be an ESPN reporter post game and commented about himself not only that he “is a joy to watch“, but that “if we had a segment on counting diamonds in his grill we would lose count everytime.”
2. LeVeon Bell | I don’t know if he’s just still riding the high of his video release for some of his new songs - but LeVeon bell knows better than anyone how to distract me from football when his team is a complete dumpster fire. I feel like I’d really like to request a breakdown of why Falk is better than Kaepernick. I’ll wait.
LeVeon wasn’t going to let the fact that his disaster team was heading in to face the Patriots from him putting together a Sunday morning hype video. Have we talked about what a sucker for slow motion / rap music / sports hype videos I am? I feel like thats how someone could end any fight with me. Just put on a loop of “we ready” videos and I’ll be fine.
3. Travis Kelce | Really just topping the list because I’m here for the enthusiasm. I don’t think he is ever not pumped up, and with Mahomes throwing to me every week I might be equally hyped. He’s been holding back on the dance celebrations, but since there are about 50 more touchdowns Mahomes has in him this season we’re bound to get some gold sooner than later.
4. Kenny Stills | Want to know how you go from flirting with BroNation mostly because you’re besties with Kaepernick to being in the top 5? You throw me a pre-game look that made me realize that shirts should always be optional:
He gave us a preview Week 1 … and I feel like I only partially noticed.
But I saw you this week, Kenny. Vest, Blazer, and just the tattoos? Perfect.
5. Von Miller | Now - I haven’t seen nearly enough dancing or sacks from Von as I’d lke to. I’m giving the Broncos a second to figure it out this year (but see Emmanuel Sanders below). What is helping Von this week is that he’s made his best friendship on the Broncos public - Brandon McManus. Yes. Von Miller and the kicker are best friends. So much that they are in it together to have incredible mustaches and are selling merch:
I feel like I might need to consider this McMiller Stache situation…
6. Cam Jordan | Now. Cam Jordan is newer to the BroNation radar … but I have to say his instagram alone is making me consider an additional side hustle. He has incredible videos, cartoons, and photoshop work that he posts constantly. Is that a position on his staff that I could look into? I’m pretty sure that everything I’ve done up until now has really just been preparing me for that job. Also - this is the enthusiasm that he stretches with. How you do one thing is how you do everything.
7. Todd Gurley | Sometimes - you do something to be in the Top 10 for BroNation. And sometimes you’re just on the list because you’ll always be one of my favorites. This week is not because Todd Gurley did anything to warrant being here.
8. Emmanuel Sanders | This top ranking is because you can’t be a sad BroNation member and not get a shoutout. It’s been a couple years since I’ve seen Sanders twerk - so I’d like to formally ask the Broncos to get it together. How do you get rid of Demaryius Thomas, leave Sanders lonley, AND give him Flacco as a quarterback? The quarterback journey from Osweiler to Siemian to Lynch…then 2017 being a year of going back to your exes and trying out all three again (Osweiler didn’t deserve to be taken back after he said he was as good as Manning. Oh. Are you?)…then giving Keenum a chance before really thinking Flacco would be the solution would make me just as sad as Sanders in his post game interview. In his own words, they are living in the world of suck.
BroNation is here for you.
9. Aaron Donald | So you might say that Aaron Donald is far too serious for BroNation. And you’re probably right. But every group of maniacs needs one slightly less crazy person who has it together enough to get them an uber to the next bar. Also - I’d like to see someone tell Aaron Donald he isn’t the best at everything.
Yep. He might be Top 10 every week.
10. DeAndre Hopkins | Well. You know its been a bad couple of weeks when something saves DeAndre being on the top 10 that isn’t him. I’m not blaming him for the fact that I lost the last two weeks…but I’m also not NOT blaming him. If it weren’t for this stellar cameo in his post game instagram, he might have fallen off the list completely:
Pre-Gaming Bro-Status
Patrick Mahomes | Besides that he might be one of my favorite players to watch - maybe ever, Mahomes is also taking some steps to earn the coveted QB position on BroNation. Right now he’s really just battling it out with Watson - who I think naturally brings a lot more swagger to the table. While there are sometimes nerdy bluffs where Mahomes takes a few steps back:
Let’s chest bump! Nah. Hug it out.
Mahomes is actually creating a standard celebration - and I’m not mad at it. When you have something like that, I don’t need to see dancing from you each week. Mahomes will also continue to throw to literally anyone on the field - making those third string wide receivers no one knows look like all stars. All eyes on you stepping out of the pregame and into BroNation…
This is really most important so that I can get it as a Slack response and incorporate into my professional life.
Keenan Allen | I went all in on Melvin Gordon last year, and frankly am still cheering him on while he bowls or plays video games on his instagram (he’s a great bowler btw. is that a path forward for him?), but never even gave Keenan Allen a chance besides being involved in Gordon’s celebrations. What this week showed me was that Allen is more than ready to throw down some celebrations and carry the Chargers. I don’t know what this move is - but he does it so confidently…
Getting Bro-Looks
Gardner Minshew II | What ISN’T there to love about Gardner Minshew II? I feel like the Minshew Madness is in full effect, and frankly I haven’t heard a story about him that I haven’t liked yet. Between only stretching in his jock strap to keeping his mustache because it was a pact and his other friends shaved theirs … he’s a gold mind of somewhat unbelievable stories. His confidence mixed with just the right about of weirdness has him on Bro-Nation watch:
Kyle Juszczyk | Now. I love a good full back play where they come out of nowhere and bulldoze the field - frankly not enough of those plays right now. But this run really took the cake. Can’t promise he will ever get another BroNation look, but for this week he’s got all eyes on this move:
George Kittle | I mean, the root of this is that I just have a soft spot for Tight Ends and I’m trying to navigate a season without Gronk. I’m honestly on the fence about whether this clip gets Kittle a look for BroNation or if he’s permanently off the list. I’m sensitive to people imitating the Rock, but if the Rock gave him a shoutout I have to as well:
The Stats
I think its safe to say that this year has been a real cluster for the NFL. It’s the year of third string everything and its hard to make the right guesses week to week.
Highest Score: Hot Chubb Time Machine (Neil) - 136.2 points | In the midst of the quarterback mayhem, the pickup of Watson in the draft that Neil 100% did JUST to piss off Ross is really working out in his favor.
Lowest Score: Back That Pass Up (Kelly) - 61.2 points | Well … with Julie really trying for the lowest score every week, last week I took her out by getting a couple less and this was Kelly’s week to take that honor.
Biggest Whoops: JPugh What-It-Do (Jason) - I don’t even really want to give you this one because who on earth would start anyone but Mahomes … but turns out Russell Wilson was going to take it home and leave over 40 points on your bench.
The Matchups
Hot Chubb Time Machine (Neil) 136.2 points
JPugh What-It-Do (Jason) 122.1 points
Well. This is one of those really crappy weeks for Jason where you outscore pretty much everyone else in the league and you still end up losing to Neil. As I said in the Biggest Whoops - no one can blame Jason for starting Mahomes because he still did better than everyone else’s quarterback. So now its just rude that you have another one sitting on your bench scoring 40 points while the rest of us fight over 2nd and 3rd string quarterbacks. I wanted to say something about how much I dislike Russell Wilson and turns out that googling “russell wilson lame” gets you a whole story where Slim Thug said this:
Young Thug later had to apologize for calling Russell Wilson LAME, and I appreciate that I’ll never have to apologize about that.
In a valiant effort the Chicago Bears Defense TRIED to get Jason the win with their 20 points on his roster - but even these beasts couldn’t take down Neil this week.
On the winning side of this match up Neil was carried to victory by Mike Evans actually showing up. If this is any indication of what two rough weeks can turn out - I’m here for Hopkins scoring almost 40 points next week. I think the craziest think about Mike Evans monster game is that the Giants BEAT the Bucs in the end. Thanks to Daniel Jones. I think I officially don’t understand football.
There is also DeShaun Watson who as I mentioned before is on the radar for BroNation. I feel like Ross gets too sad when the Texans are terrible and I can’t talk as much shit when he’s sad - so I’m here for Watson making the Texans into a competitive team. Also - Watson got himself into a Twitter feud over this outfit last year - and I love it a lot:
The outfit in question (which is a Balenciaga hoodie…)
Yea. JARED.
You had to go and talk trash about WRs … Hopkins isn’t having it.
Lamar Jackson Collaborative (Richie) 130.7 points
Houston, We Have a Problem (Ross) 105.7 points
I still don’t think I’ve fully accepted that Richie might be good this year? Is it because Torrey Smith retired? Was his memory of what he did to your team years ago still holding you down? Whatever it is, I don’t think Richie’s team is slowing down anytime soon.
Keenan Allen who got his shoutout above was Richie’s highest scorer bringing in 30.7 points in the Chargers attempt to beat the Texans. At least Ross got that win this week. Lamar Jackson went up against probably one of his toughest opponents in the Chiefs and while he didn’t come out on top, he still put in a good fight that I think shows they DO have some promise.
Christian McCaffrey who I have always been hesitant to get behind - really exploded today without Cam. Is the Panther’s backup Kyle Allen had a reat game, and had everyone questioning whether he could ever be their main man.
Chicago Placeholder (Sarah) 102.8 points
Mitches Get Stiches (Diane) 99.9 points
I think the most important thing about this recap is that Sarah is going to have to figure out how to win next week and the week after that…without Saquon Barkley. Probably my favorite text of the weekend was Sarah “waking up from an afternoon nap to Barkley on crutches.” I saw him hopping off the field after the game with those crutches and frankly I feel like he still might be the best option for the Giants.
Look at the trainer trying to keep up…
Despite some really great performanced (I’m looking at you Cooper Kupp and Dalvin Cook) that got Diane scoring more than she usually does … she couldn’t get a win with James White with 0 on her roster. She also was hit with the struggles of the dolphins. Not surprisingly Kenyan Drake was unable to get a decent score with the back and forth between Josh Rosen to Fitzmagic and back to Rosen. It looks like Rosen just also figured out he’s on the Dolphins…
Drop Deebo!!!!!! (Chirag) 92.4 points
Just My Luck (Julie) 68.1 points
Well. Julie had another rough one. She’s now officially dropped Antonio Brown and Cam Newton … so maybe this is her chance to figure out who she is without her first and third picks. You know it might still be an uphill battle when no one on her team score more than 10 points besides Sterling Shepard. Is Eli 2.0 going to be something good for the Giants?? And for Julie?
On the other hand - Chirag just had players scoring high points both on his roster and on his bench. Chirag trusted in Mahomes (or maybe just didn’t trust Sammy Watkins?) and picked up Hardman as a backup wide receiver. I’d get those points in while Tyreek Hill is still sidelined. They showed Hill doing jumping jacks on the sideline so I feel like he’s telling us that he’s coming back soon.
Chirag also benefited from Barkley being hurt and Jones being able to throw the ball with Evan Engram on his bench. I’m trying to figure out why you have TE on your bench in a no TE league … but maybe you know something that we don’t.
Billionaire Club (Craig) 98.6 points
Back that Pass Up (Kelly) 61.2 points
This is another match up where someone is hoarding QBs - and its not even helping them. Kelly has Tom Brady (keep him) and Matt Ryan - both who broke the 20 point ceiling but couldn’t get her a win. Maybe Kelly is feeling like Belicheck’s face looks…
Now, Craig equally had some rough showings (11 of their 18 players didn’t get more than 10 points…) on his roster, but Mark Ingram was there to make sure he could take home a victory. While he took some time to box with the Chiefs logo after scoring a touchdown … he regretfully wasn’t able to beat the Chiefs:
Get. It. Girl.
Ezekiel 23: 19-21 (Sean) 102 points
Field of Bros (Me) 95.9 points
You know what my favorite thing is? Recapping a loss to SEAN. Also - at one point I was projected to get over 120 points … so I’d like to have a few words with some gentlemen in the afternoon games (I’m looking at you Hopkins and Carson). I’ve never had a player have to go change his cleats because he kept slipping on the field when he was given the ball. I’d also like to give the award for playing with my heart strings to Chris Carson this week who again had a beautiful run and then fumbled. I’m not sure we’re going to be ok.
I’m just watching this on loop to remember why I still love him.
I’m also in mourning for LeVeon Bell not being able to do anything against the Patriots. I feel like someone at the Jets has to feel the same as I do when they see his sad face and figure out a way to let him be amazing again?
On my team too there is a BroNation shoutout going to Adam Thielen. Typically in the running for the whitest guy in the NFL - I appreciated both the 2 Touchdowns that he got AND the celebrations.
Now, Sean looked at times like he was going to struggle, and I think we can all say we’re mad that his team pulled it together. AND he had some great performances on his bench (Pollard??). Sean was really carried to victory by Jameis Winston deciding that it was time to play football (hi. its week 3. welcome.) … and throwing for 3 touchdowns and only 1 interception. Let’s see if he can be consistent for Sean in this quarterback battlefield we’re all living in…
I can even picture Sean doing something annoying like this.
And we’re onto next week! Let’s see what mayhem the NFL can stir up for us to struggle with. Also would like to end with a gif that I found that relates to nothing:
Happy rest of your week! Hope you can treat the rest of the days like this.