week 1: the recap
Well, guys. Week 1 has come and gone … and while there were a lot of new faces I saw playing football this week, a lot of this felt familiar. We also survived the only double header for Monday Night Football which feels like a great thing since despite the Broncos being awful last night I couldn’t stop watching. A few familiar things we saw:
The Bears, despite the defense doing their best, managed to still not play offense and lost to the Packers. At home. As the season opener. That’s cool. I’m sure we’ll get better…
Despite the massive amount of hype (promise I loved the OBJ / Landry best friendship) … the Browns game felt all too familiar as they lost to the Titans. Yep - the Titans. There are videos of Browns fans pouring beer on the Titans players, so at least they handled the loss like adults.
The Patriots looked great. I feel like this sums up how the Steelers did:
“Everyone has a false start except the center.”
The Jaguars - starting Nick Foles in all his glory - shortly had to replace him with Gardner Minshew. Who? Yea we don’t know - but I’m here for his mustache and we should get used to him since Foles broke his collarbone.
If anyone was worried…Eli Manning still played. I feel like the Giants are trying to figure out a nice way to break up with him, while they are already dating their next terrible QB in front of him. Thankfully they put in the rookie in the last few minutes of the game so that he could fumble it IMMEDIATELY. That is the kind of thing we needed to see to justify the Giants fans boo-ing their draft pick.
I’m sure it will get better…
I feel like as a follow up to introducing a few of the BroNation roster last week, I need to weigh in on something we definitely did not hear about from the NFL this week: Antonio Brown.
I told Neil on Sunday that I knew AB never wanted to be on the raiders and he did what he needed to do to get to the Patriots. While Neil definitely did not believe me then (I was also deep into the Bloody Mary’s and dangerously close to getting into a bar fight with a group of very short Kansas City fans who had made the bartender switch the KC game to a lower TV because their necks hurt. I just got angry about that situation again typing it out) , I think that this article proves me right:
I also appreciate that this article breaks down all of the events that happened so fast - so we could properly remember the last few weeks:
Two thoughts on all of this:
Frost bite is no joke - so I refuse to think he did that to himself on purpose. I got frostbite on both of my heels in high school, and I still can’t feel them. Imagine the entire bottom of your feet? I hope someone at the cryotherapy place was fired.
Do we feel like maaaayyyybe the helmet grievance is now warranted after seeing Eric Weddle gushing blood from being hit WEARING his helmet? I still don’t understand this - but I also feel like it proves the helmets aren’t perfect.
Still not used to seeing blood in the NFL…
So overall, seems like Antonio Brown got exactly what he wanted. I’ve read several places that he wanted to be on the Patriots and the Steelers attempted to block that so they wouldn’t have to play him. Seems like they both won…well. Actually. AB won, and the Steelers lost really badly on Sunday Night Football.
There. Were. Fights. I feel like maybe social media is to blame for this - giving the players constant outlets to trash talk each other. I like to imagine there are some really passive aggressive things happening like unfollowing each other and not liking posts. But what I’m really here for is how worked up everyone was in week 1. My favorites?
We all know I LOVE a good punch to the helmet (why.) and Myles Jack on the Jaguars gave me just that. He also later absolutely fell apart when he was escorted off of the field, and it actually took two rather large men working together to get him to the locker room. I’ve been trying to brainstorm what I might ever get worked up about enough to have to be dragged away like this…
The drama!
My man DeAndre Hopkins really showed me his true colors last night - and I was not mad at it. I was convinced he was going to get into a fight with Lattimore during Monday Night Football, but he surprised us all by body slamming Williams, and frankly not even looking upset about it. You do you, DeAndre.
In his welcome home to the Eagles game DeSean Jackson reminded us all why we love him and threw a few punches. What he didn’t do? Punch a helmet … my guy knows to go for the chin if he’s going to really upset the other team.
The Celebrations. This is my official request that the players step up their celebration game. I saw one decent one from the Browns … but I don’t think you get highlighted in the celebration reel when you lose to the Titans. I’m hoping for some dancing videos next week.
My Rulebreakers. This week I think my favorite BroNation rule break was Odell Beckham Jr. wearing a $350,000 watch DURING the game. 1. You’re not allowed to wear “hard objects”, 2. Why is this watch so expensive, and 3. Why is that watch so expensive.
I have a few things he can throw $350,000 at if he wants to…
The Stats
Highest Score: 150.6 points | Antonio Browns Big Adventure (Richie). I’d like to also give my team a shoutout for being one point away from taking this away from Richie. I suppose this is the first time he’s ever managed a good score, so we’ll give it to him.
Lowest Score: 55 points | Just My Luck (Julie). Julie was plagued this week by owning Antonio Brown, and also by drafting Cam Newtown and AJ Green. She also did draft Luck prior to his retirement…but we all know she was going to play Cam anyway.
Biggest Whoopsie: Chirag. And I’ll let you just read his recap to see what he did.
The Match Ups
Antonio Brown’s Big Adventure (Richie) 150.6 points
Ezekiel 23:19:21 (Sean) 87.6 points
GUYS. Is this Richie’s first win? Is the curse of Torrey Smith finally lifted? I feel like Richie has been waiting 3 years for this win. Richie’s Highest scorer this week was Lamar Jackson, and I have to admit that I’m here for the Ravens absolutely killing it. In the post game interviews he commented “Not bad for a running back, huh?”…
Get. It. Lamar.
Also having a week for Richie was DeSean Jackson. I am LOVING the Jackson/Jeffery combo that the Eagles have going on, Jeffery being one of the OG BroNation members from his days on the Bears. Jackson has his own style and dance moves - but he solidified his spot on the roster when he gave Fitpatrick his clothes for the most epic post game interviews last year:
Please note Jackson, shirtless, at the door.
I’m not sure there is much good to say about Sean’s team. He boasted a lot in the group chat earlier this week when Zeke signed his deal … and yet, your namesake. I feel like this picture really sums up what we thought you might do vs. what your team brought to the table…
You know who DID have a day? Derrick Henry. I feel like none of us were convinced by his last few games last season, but turns out he might be legit. Or he was playing the Browns. What I couldn’t get over? His racoon tail hair?
I’m pretty sure this is what he’s going for … right?
Chicago Placeholder (Sarah) 112.4 points
Back That Pass Up (Kelly) 108.6 points
Well, both Sarah and Kelly are new to the league - so its too soon to tell what mistake they made are ones they will continue to repeat vs. what was a total fluke. Kelly didn’t put up much of a fight, but her highest scoring player was Tom Brady which I feel like upsets her as much as it upsets me. Has anyone else noticed that Tom Brady is loose on instagram and acting like everyone’s dad? When did he become so comfortable with emojis? Is he making jokes or is he being serious?
“I will be better next week” after his stellar game is enough for an eye roll … then have three hearts? Cmon Tom.
Despite whatever embarrassing social media posts Brady does - I would like to understand how he is so drastically better looking now than he was almost 20 years ago? Does the T12 Method work?!?
Sarah was carried to victory by Carson Wentz surprisingly. I watched what felt like a full 30 minute special on how this is Wentz’s year and that he feels like he has something to prove. Did you know they installed a Nick Foles statue at the stadium to remind him that he didn’t play in the Super Bowl?
That would get me worked up too. Nothing like a permanent reminder you didn’t play in that game.
Billionaire Club (Craig) 101.3 points
Deebo!!! (Chirag) 96 points
So first, I’d like to remind everyone that Craig’s team name is a hold over from him being upset about LeVeon Bell advocating for himself and Craig choosing to stand on the side of the owners and not the players. That’s super cool, Craig.
I’m gonna bury the lead here and start with that this matchup actually came down to the kickers. First of all, props to you two for making that position relevant. Second - Will Lutz missed an earlier kick that not only lost Chirag the game, but made a 57 yarder to win the game and make Chirag' think he had a shot. Lutz said he had to make it because after he missed the first one no one would talk to him, so Chirag you aren’t the only one mad at him.
So you know what was the best part of this match up? Chirag had 72.2 points on his bench (64.5 points from 2 people). Yep. You read that right. He had enough points on his bench to beat Julie ‘s teams actual score - and a few points away from taking down Diane’s team too.
Mahomes proved that you shouldn’t bench anyone that he might throw 60 yard TD passes to, so I’m curious to see if Sammy Watkins (37.8 pts) actually pans out to be a reliable source of points for Chirag or not. What i AM upset about is that I debated picking up Hollywood Brown (26.7 pts) and I should have followed my heart. He got an honorary consideration for BroNation (let’s be honest, Baby Bro Nation) because of his cousin AB. His bling at the draft and his solid gold grill should have been enough for us to know he would be a star.
You know. I didn’t realize I maybe wanted a bedazzled version of myself to wear until right now.
Craig does have some potential BroNation sitting on his bench in DK Metcalf. I was consistently told he wouldn’t be great, that he’s just a bunch of muscle. And I hope he’s here to prove you all wrong. In case anyone isn’t familiar with him - this was a casual locker room shot that they showed 1,000 times during the draft:
What I do need help understanding before he becomes part of BroNation is the pacifier mouthpiece? And he posted on instagram that he’s going baby on (baby emoji)?
He can do whatever he wants … just curious…
JPugh What It Do (Jason) 105.4 points
Houston, We Have a Problem (Ross) 87.3 points
Houston did indeed, have a problem. I think Monday night’s game against the Saints might have been the best game of the week - but I’m not convinced that Ross will ever recover. They went into half up 14-3 ,then the score changed leaders two different times in the last minute. On a positive note? All of the Texan running backs looked amazing so I’m curious who will scoop them up next week.
In a similar sad boat to Ross, Jason as a Broncos fan can’t be happy about what happened in the second Monday Night game (also, can that never happen again? it’s so late.)…Denver looked worse than I could expect. And they were playing the Raiders.
Jason likely will be carried throughout this season by Patrick Mahomes and Alvin Kamara, and I’m not even mad at it. Kamara might be one of my favorite running backs to watch - I appreciate him bulldozing through all of the defenders and the grillz get me everytime. Probably most importantly he has also been in GQ which puts him in good company with Hopkins. We can feature his beastly workouts in another week of tales from BroNation - for now … just his modeling:
Jason also benefits from being the person who was right about the main target on the Raiders when AB would leave, picking up Tyrell Williams and see him get targeted over and over in Monday Night Football. So in addition to the Raiders’ fans chanting “Fuck AB” at the beginning of the game…they have this guy to cheer for with Jason.
Mitches Get Stitches (Diane) 72.8 points
Just My Luck (Julie) 55 points
So, this was the worst game…ever? I feel like if you both are so awful … no one should get to win. I don’t know if we could have possibly predicted that Julie’s team would have a few hiccups when she drafted Cam Newton in the 3rd round. Yes…in the 3rd round. Just wanted to make sure none of us were grabbing the 5th best ranked QB rounds before anyone even took Mahomes.
Now, Cam Newton is a highly debated contender for BroNation. While his height, confidence, occasional style choices, and dance moves get him top notch scores … then he wears this to the post game interviews:
You know what I do like about it? The twitter reactions:
And my favorite…
Do you think the empathy is about not making sexist comments to reporters? I hope so.
So I hope that Diane’s confidence in her Browns is going to pay off eventually more than it did this week. In the NFL Countdown on Sunday I saw a special about how before big events Baker Mayfield will text his family/friends about how he “woke up feeling dangerous” and more than anything I wanted to use that in a positive way in this recap. Maybe next week?
Julie’s team can also be one to keep as she has the much anticipated return of Antonio Brown. Now, they told me during Monday Night Football that the Raiders claim that he was a “vampire of energy” and took away their celebration of Monday Night Football. Please tell me again how this man is a vampire of energy:
Field of Bros (me) 149.5 points
Hot Chubb Time Machine (Neil) 107.8 points
I think my favorite part of this match up was that Neil actually had a really great week, but everytime Watson had a great throw … it went to Hopkins and I got points too. Neil also boasted before the SECOND Monday Night Football game that he outscored 75% of the league … and I’d just like to give props to all the players who gave the rest of you points so that fact was no longer accurate.
My top scorer comes to me with some sadness. Austin Ekeler looked amazing, and I feel like this is the James Conner proving the Steelers don’t need LeVeon Bell all over again. I would like to note that since the holdout, Melvin Gordon has been posting WAY less triptychs to instagram, and I feel like that means he isn’t okay. His alignment is even off - maybe I’ll shoot him a note.
If we want to highlight someone who really benefitted from Andrew Luck’s retirement it might be Marlon Mack. While they figure out if they can throw the ball at all … seems like he’s good to just run the entire game. Without him and Watson I’m not convinced Neil wouldn’t have been in the same boat as Diane and Julie this week.
Most importantly this week guys - we celebrated the return of LeVeon Bell. Despite the fact that the Jets couldn’t even win against the Bills … my favorite plays were these two where he got the TD and the two point conversion. He can just play by himself, right? I’m expecting celebrations next week:
And that is ALL for this week … til next week!
And a little look at what this week’s performance did to our standings…Richie, Jason and I are trending, so watch out!
I’m here for these graphics, ESPN.