BroNation: an intro.
yo soy fiesta.
-rob gronkowski / all you really need to know about BroNation
Well guys – its the best time of the year again. All of the fantasy football drafts are done, and we’re prepping to kick off the season on Thursday.
Now – for those of you who are NOT in the league “A Road to Bro Nation” – I feel like a few updates are in order.
This is a recap for a real fantasy league. We’re working with 3 newbies in the league this year, so bear with me as I figure out what upsets them the most in their recaps. We’re 8 ex-Gensler, 3 current Gensler, and an honorary architect. Promise you’ll get to know them better throughout the season.
We lost 3 Packer fans in the off season – so I feel like my plan to continually tell them they are making bad life choices is working.
The real reason this became a blog is so that I can embed gifs more easily. That’s all the really matters, right?
Some of our league members (Richie and Neil I’m looking at you) think its fun to change their team name constantly. You’ll get annoyed with it too.
Now. What is BroNation? There is some structure to it, but at the end of the day its just about the players I like the most. I’ll accept nominations to BroNation – we can keep them on the bench as they earn their spot. What do we judge the most?
Attitude. Some say arrogance? I just like to know they know how good they are.
Dance skills. If you’re tackling or scoring touchdowns and NOT dancing? Lose my number.
Style. I’ll take this in anyway. I love a good locker room walk-in outfit. If you’re DeAndre Hopkins I accept full model shoots. However they want to stand out.
Social Media. At the end of the day I just need to see stories where they are working out. How else would I know how hardworking they are? It’s also where some of my best content comes from.
Actual skill. Likely the least important, but we can’t have anyone dragging the team down.
Height. I’m putting this last because I’d like to pretend I’m not cutting anyone shorter than 6′. We have “baby bro nation” for that reason. This also results in me loving most Tight Ends just solely based on their stature.
Endorsements. I like someone who knows their career could end any minute and really leans into the right endorsements or partnerships. DK Metcalf being sponsored by Nesquik? Reason enough to love him.
We can add to this as the season progresses and I have to reject nominations.
So who is in BroNation you ask? Figured we could do some breakdowns each week – every other week I’ll feature someone who did something in a real game. But for now, let’s just highlight who takes up the most real estate in my heart:
Von Miller | I’ve screamed at such a high pitch that Von Miller 100% thought it was a small child, but DID turn around and sign a lovely poster Diane had made. More importantly he checks every box in the criteria, including being a chicken farmer which I didn’t know was on the check list until he was that.
Antonio Brown | I had a moment when AB started a twitter feud with JuJu this summer where I worried I’d stop loving him…but I just watched the episode of Hard Knocks where he both talks about how “men lie. women lie, but the analytics don’t.” and refers to the FACTUALS (a.k.a. what I’m calling facts from now on), only to later be so obsessed with his berry/watermelon gatorade combo that he calls it the drip-drop. Plus, no one twerks like AB (not even Emmanuel Sanders)…
Trust me, Sanders is still on the BroNation roster. If you start a hashtag #neverugly with a series of selfies I’ll always be devoted.
Travis Kelce | With Gronk retiring – I needed at least one tall white guy who wants to dance all the time. Plus – it was his dating show where I came to the conclusion that I would be a GREAT NFL wife and then I found out what my friends really thought of me. Turns out they do NOT think I would be a good NFL wife, and frankly after the feedback about my focus and behavior I’m not convinced they think I’ll be a good wife period.
I researched “hit the quan” for way too long after seeing this … and I still have no idea what it means.
DeAndre Hopkins | Between runway shows and GQ photo shoots there is a high probably that Hopkins is too classy for Bro-Nation. Beneath his perfect, polished exterior tho, I know there is a lot of trash talking and ego – plus I plan to cheer until he dances.
JuJu Smith-Schuster | This is the big year where we see how JuJu does without AB and Bell … I have high hopes for his celebrations. Between being obsessed with video games, having an instagram famous dog named Boujee, and dancing every chance he gets - JuJu is a BroNation favorite.
LeVeon Bell | I feel like we all know why LeVeon is on the roster. His rap career. Plus – this article about him being robbed by two girlfriends and replacing his $500,000 of jewelry really made my week.
Have I mentioned how much I love group celebrations?
So now that you’ve had a taste of the recaps – a few things to expect this year:
Rankings of the best celebrations. Its really all I give shoutouts for. And fights – especially if they are with fans or punching someone’s helmet (looking at you, AJ Green).
Other BroNation spotlights – you’ll get to know the whole roster.
A breakdown of who is the worst. Just because Andrew Luck retired doesn’t mean there aren’t some other good boys out there to dislike (russell wilson?).
My favorite besties. We all know Landry and OBJ deserve a spotlight, but who else loves each other?
And to end our intro to BroNation – please take a moment to mourn Gronk’s departure. I’ll probably still sneak him into the recap every chance I get.
Til next week!