week 5: the recap
So. If we wanted to know what too many things on my plate looks like - last week was it. I didn’t even realize until Friday when I got a few notes about failing the recap that a whole week had even gone by. I promise to be better.
All that you really need to know about last week is that I spent all of Sunday at Soldier Field becoming a Bears player (that is what happens when you’re in the front row behind the bench, right?), and then never emotionally recovered enough to pull together a recap.
This week? Well we are continuing to have unexpected upsets (Mahomes failed at something? I don’t accept it), the dolphins got a break from losing with a bye week, and the Redskins gave us our first fired head coach of the season.
BroNation Top 10
Not going to lie. This week’s power rankings felt difficult - are the bros not being bro enough? I’ll put in some requests.
JuJu Smith-Schuster | They decided to mic up JuJu last week, and it was pretty much everything I wanted it to me. Now, JuJu is down to their third string QB after Rudolph got a rough concussion from Earl Thomas (who is pretty high on my list of don’t mess people). I am feeling a bit desperate for one of JuJu’s celebrations, so let’s hope as they get to their fourth backup he can still get a few touchdowns. Also - if you want to know one of my favorite mic-ed up moments … its this:
2. Michael Thomas | I feel like Michael Thomas could make this list on his swagger and confidence alone … but I still needed to wait until he had an insane day to give him the honor of being on the list. Anyone who has a unique instagram handle (I’m looking at you Pharoah Cooper a.k.a. @kingtutt_chdown) but an almost cocky handle like @cantguardmike really gets me. I just got a LOT of flexing muscles from him on Sunday - but I’m waiting for him to risk it all again soon and repeat something like this:
3. Alvin Kamara | First, I feel like you can’t go from top of my list to not on the list at all in two weeks (although, who am i kidding. yes you can.) Second, Kamara has enough bro nation clout to just coast the rest of the season. I did a deep dive recently into Kamara and did anyone else know that he was high school best friends with Migos? I feel like we are all at a disservice for not attending school with them. Kamara is also represented by a music manager, which is all the inspiration I need to feel like I can manage NFL players too. Let’s hope that Kamara can get his dancing groove back soon though even without Ingram to join him.
It was the best of the best.
4. Travis Kelce | Given that I missed last week, I’m going to give a belated shoutout to my favorite play I’ve seen this season. Turns out that unplanned hook and ladder is my favorite move? I learned something last week.
Kelce also did have a couple temper tantrums this week (he lost to the Colts, so I would have been mad too) - and while I’m not here for shoving your coach on the sideline (look at you Jalen Ramsey) but BroNation can be humble and I appreciated returning to give hugs when he cooled off.
5. Leighton Vander Esch | Leighton is mostly on this list to prove that BroNation status doesn’t mean I needed to know anything about you prior to this week. You know what’s great about Sunday mornings? Getting little bio documentaries … and Leighton’s “Wolf Hunter” biopic was about his teeny tiny town of like 400 people in Riggins, Iowa. His signature “wolf cry” which is now played over the speakers when he gets a tackle comes from his dad’s bear and wolf hunting business. Besides knowing that he has a solid career to fall back on, we all know how much I love a signature celebration.
6. Stefon Diggs | Now. Stefon Diggs is usually reserved for Baby BroNation (as the captain mind you.) but I don’t have time for power rankings there too, so all the 5-10” fellas in the NFL are welcome to jump up into my radar if they think they can hang. As a big fan of speaking your mind, I was here for Diggs and Adam Theilen complaining about the gameplan the vikings had that resulted in them having no production in the game against the Bears last week. Diggs complained so much that Theilen had the game of his season … and Diggs had this amazing walkout outfit:
Who needs to catch passes when you ARE a catch?
Shortly after the game Diggs solidified his place in my heart posting one of my favorite self-motivation quotes to instagram. BroNation was there to make him feel better with some love from OBJ, Jalen Ramsey, and Darius Slay. We’re all with you Diggsy.
7. Gardner Minshew II | I don’t want anyone to get ahead of themselves and feel that BroNation has identified its quarterback … but I’m here for what Minshew is bringing to the table. Regretfully he was unable to beat McCaffery , but he had quite the highlight reel. Plus - I feel like he’d be top of the list to invite to a party?
8. Justin Houston | Keeping in theme with my outspoken support this week - I was here for Houston’s payback game against the Chiefs. Now - I did NOT like seeing Mahomes fail, but this quote should speak to everyone:
“It’s like your old girlfriend,” Houston said. “If you get a new girlfriend, you want to show her off. To come here and get a win, it means a lot to me — and to the team as well.”
There is a chance I appreciate this more because I watched all the breakdowns of “The Return of The Mack” and i was promised a good revenge game for Mack against the Raiders. Well - when it was 0-17 at halftime it was clear Mack’s new girlfriend was failing him.
That is the look of someone who didn’t make the power rankings this week.
9. Richard Sherman | Yes, he can be a lot. Yes, his comments teeter on arrogant. Yes, I love the trash talk. What’s better than post game trash talk? In game - hyped up - mic-ed up - Sherman. I might play this video every morning as my daily affirmation:
10. Gronk | He. Is. Back. I can’t wait for him to get to top the list because of some insane comment he makes during Thursday Night Football, but for now he’s just getting his power ranking spot shoutout. He makes his analyst debut this Thursday - and I almost can’t wait for him to take it way too seriously. Witten set a low bar before heading back out on to the field … is that Gronks next fate? In the meantime I’m submitting my formal request that the shirt ripping is somehow a part of his analyst role.
I rest my case.
Pre-Gaming Bro Nation
Melvin Gordon | He’s only pregaming because I can’t just accept him back the first week he plays. BroNation isn’t that easy to get. He did make some plays for my heart by really leaning into the stand off that he ultimately caved for - making a series of spoof videos that I’m here for. I feel like maybe he just needed those weeks off to establish some new content for his endorsements…
Christian McCaffery | Christian is only here because I keep being told he should be - and anyone who can make Richie’s team into a winning team is worth some attention. Working with his backup quarterback (but lets be honest, who isn’t these days?) - McCaffery is getting all the meme love that sums up why he deserves a little love:
But today there was a notice that he actually had a back issue? Was i being punked?
On second thought - I did a google for some gifs for McCaffery and I found this and I stand by not allowing him to hang out with BroNation:
Getting Bro-Looks
Nick Bosa | Now. On behavior alone I might let Bosa into the pregame territory. I’d hop onto the Bosa Bandwagon (I’ve loved his brother ever since he got punched outside of Paris Club before his draft…) - but his white supremacist tweets from early college feel like a solid reason he won’t make it to the pregame. I DID love the salty celebration of mocking Baker Mayfield planting the flag on his field in college after he sacked him. All the pettiness.
The Stats
Highest Score: Back That Pass Up (Kelly) | 160 points - Well. There isn’t much to say about now the highest score of the season so far. This is how you do your first year in the league.
Lowest Score: Houston, We Have A Problem (Ross) | 69.7 points - Oh. Boy. Well … someone has to score a tiny bit lower than Julie every week, and this was your turn.
Biggest Whoops: Playing someone on a bye - Mitches Get Stitches (Diane). This one speaks for itself.
The Matchups
Ezekiel 23: 19-21 (Sean) 117.5 points
Hot Chubb Time Machine (Neil) 106.4 points
I did really appreciate the point in this matchup when you two were projected .1 point apart … but Neil’s team just couldn’t do it for him. Neil needed Chubb to have the Monday night of his life, and despite the fact that Chubb might have also been the Browns only hope … the Browns never saw the end zone. Did we ever talk about Baker Mayfield being overrated?
The downfall of Neil’s team also came with the realization that now the only two remaining undefeated teams in the NFL are the Patriots and the 49ers. Let that sink in. Does Jimmy G have what it takes? I appreciated all the commentary about “really seeing who the 49ers are”. Felt like we have been on just enough dates with them to know we can have good conversation, but we haven’t yet decided if they might be insane. Even with their record I’m still unconvinced. Stay tuned.
Trillionaire Club (Richie) 105.8 points
JPugh What-It-Do (Jason) 76.9 points
I still feel confused every week that Richie is now good at fantasy football. So far none of us have been able to beat him, and I’d like us to reflect on a time when he started Torrey Smith for like 6 weeks in a row getting 0 points. Those were the days.
Richie’s entire team this week rested on the 41.7 points that Christian McCaffrey got him - so if he actually IS out with a back issue, we might see Richie come back to earth.
Jason’s team just had an off week - did I mention earlier that Mahomes lost to the Colts? Well that also included Mahomes just having one touchdown and being tackled 1,000 times and limping the whole game. It was like watching Jason lose to Richie in real time.
Field of Bros (me) 125.1 points
Houston, We Have A Problem (Ross) 69.7 points
I hope everyone else realized how important this week was for my emotional attachment to fantasy football. I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure losing for a fourth week in a row would have resulted in complete detachment from all of this. In case anyone wanted to know what my pre-game pump up talk was:
It seemed like most of my players got the message but Hopkins is still in his hold out to do anything for my team. There is a reason he didn’t make the power rankings this week…
You know that Ross had a rough week when the Patriots defense was pretty much his highest scoring player. I don’t love rooting for anything on the Patriots now that Gronk has retired … but learning that the McCourty Twins have had the same handshake their whole lives and do it during the games (while being beasts and getting all the picks) makes me pay a little bit more attention to them.
Chicago Placeholder (Sarah) 110.1 points
Billionaire Club (Craig) 89.4 points
Well guys. Sarah won without Saquon. Despite me actually rooting for the Cowboys (because who roots for the Packers?) and seeing Amari Cooper give Sarah all the effort, I got to watch the Packers still win. Sarah did have Kyler Murray on her bench outscoring Wentz, but he was also playing against the Bengals so I’m not sure that counts?
Craig did have a scoop up of Chark Jr. that I’m a bit jealous of. Besides that my mustached qb gets to throw to him and give Craig the only points worth looking at on his team - I’ve got my eye on him for some stellar celebrations as the season continues.
Back That Pass Up (Kelly) 160 points
Just My Luck (Julie) 74 points
The only work that I did last week towards the recap was finding my favorite gif … which I would like to submit as representation for Julie’s fantasy football season so far:
We just need a little effort here.
Besides that Julie didn’t have a great week…again…Kelly’s team was complete insanity. She took the record now for the most points, making sure that Chirag wasn’t able to have any glory this week. I personally feel attacked by Will Fuller’s MASSIVE game. It’s cool - I didn’t need Hopkins to score any points this week. For now - we can share looks.
Kelly didn’t just have Fuller, Matt Ryan finally showed up but not enough to outscore the Texans 53 points? At least Kelly got the win. She also benched Brady who for his old self had a decent game. I’d like to think Tom Tom would be OK being benched knowing she got a better performance out of Ryan … but I think we all know he sucks:
Drop Deebo!!!!!!! (Chirag) 139 points
Mitches Get Stitches (Diane) 98.3 points
Chriag was upset mid-win this week not feeling like he could talk enough trash to Diane. I hope you figured out that it’s fair game (although Neil got sensitive Monday night and we might all need to assess that?) - because Diane played Kenyan Drake on a bye. So she deserved to lose.
I have to not be too hard on Diane because she was the reason I got to be first row at the Bears game last week. If anyone wants to know what going to an outdoor sporting event with Diane is bound to feel something like this:
I feel like this might be how Diane feels this week. And the rain curse is real.
Chirag did have himself a week this week - regretfully Kelly was here to outshine him. Chirag benefited from Aaron Jones essentially doing ALL the work for the Packers and scoring 4 TDs.
Considering OBJ scored him a grand total of 3 points, and Sammy Watkins scored 0…Chirag better hope Jones just keeps being the Packers only offensive weapon (how long is Adams out for?). Remember when Chirag made me really stressed considering a trade for Sammy Watkins? Yea - I feel like I trust my never trade policy.
And we’re onto WEEK 6! Here’s looking for more touchdown celebrations, all the trash talk, and a couple unnecessary fights to delay the games.